Computer Dependency

This just proves that we have become too   dependent on our computers.

Are you male or female?

To find the answer,  look down.

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Look down, not scroll down, you dummy! 

Ask and receive

These questions about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the actual responces by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA) 

A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking. 
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow   the railroad  tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK) 

A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not…   Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays   every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

 A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget it’s name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

  A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell   me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

 A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male  population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: When do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

 A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)   

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour. Come naked.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

Smart arse answers

SMART ARSE ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on QANTAS.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

“What are my choices?” John asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART ARSE ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the Virgin departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMART ARSE ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at Woolworths but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family.

She asked a packer, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMART ARSE ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.”

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A University teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-arse guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

A Deep Rooted Delusion

Perhaps you’ve heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive.

Nothing seemed to work.

Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don’t bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don’t bleed.

“Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?” the doctor asked.

“Yes, I do,” the patient replied.

“Very well, then,” the doctor said.

He took out a pin and pricked the patient’s finger. Out came a trickle of blood.

The doctor asked, “What does that tell you?”

“Oh my goodness!” the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger … “Dead men do bleed!!”

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha,” says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm,” says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black.”

“No,” says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

Start at the very beginning…

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.

“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”

“Of course.” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”

Ancient Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

Vitamins are a “good thing”

Test for Smart People.

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will
tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.

The questions are NOT that difficult. But don’t scroll down
UNTIL you have answered the question!

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the
giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and
close the refrigerator?

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests
your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the
animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the
refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by
crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of
the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most professionals do not have the brains of a four-year-old.

Afraid of the Dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”