10) In your Fishtank.
9) In those old Pizza Boxes.
In the Trash Can.
7) In the Refrigerator.
6) In the Toilet.
5) Stuck between the Couch Cushions.
4) Duct Taped to your dog.
3) In the Microwave.
2) In your bag of potato chips.
1) Wedged up your behind.
10. “Hi!”
9. “Hola!”
8. “Hey wassup?”
7. “You have reached the residence of ___________, but no one is here right now… so please leave a….”
6. “Thank you, please pull around.”
5. “Do-do-do- I’m sorry, you call cannot be completed as dialed!”
4. “BURP!”
3. “Talk to I”
2. “000 Emergency!”
1. “Pizza Hut Japan, may I take your order?”
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.”
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds. He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: “Do you like potato pancakes?” She says “No,” and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”
Jimmy’s mum dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
“Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.”
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother. Do you think you’re better than your old man?”
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
Dogs may shed, but cats shred.
Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful
I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.
I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?
If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.
In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.
Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
10) Don’t change it, just say you are conserving energy.
9) Carry it to business meetings, and then when someone asks you a question, hold it over your head and say you are all out of fresh ideas.
Try to recharge it.
7) Collect a boxful, then sneak into a neighbors house and change all of their bulbs and tell them them their electricity was cut off.
6) Mount it and watch it instead of the TV.
5) Drop it in the community pond and see if it floats.
4) Take it to a rock concert and hold it in front of you and wave it around (because you are too cheap to buy a lighter).
3) Smash it with a hammer.
2) Sell it to a stupid kid on the street.
1) Hold it upside-down in the middle of a flat field during a thunderstorm, wait for lightning, and then watch it glow!
# We know where you live.
# Everyone’s meal today is on you.
# The “special sauce” came from the floor.
# Guess what our special “drop” was in our Egg Drop Soup and win a free meal!!
# A recent prison escapee that is sitting near by wants to love you long time.
# MSG? NO!! Ebola Virus….maybe
1. They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
3. I was working smarter – not harder.
4. Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
5. I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
6. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
7. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
8. I’m in the management training program.
9. I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP). I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
10. This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
12. No! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
13. The coffee machine is broken….
14. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
15. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off.
16. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
17. I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
18. The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
19. Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.
20. I’m just resting my eyes.
1. “This is my tryout for Nascar.”
2. “I’ve got to get back to Amish Country before they realize that I am missing.”
3. “That McDonald’s offer is for a Limited Time only and buddy, that could run out at ANYTIME!”
4. “I’m trying to rush home for the new Hanson video debut on MTV.”
5. “Cause those Gorditas rule.”
6. “Uh-Oh..Wapner’s on…I’m an excellent driver.”
7. “Trying to see how fast a Yugo can go.”
8. “Umm..I’m drunk?”
9. “Trying to outrun the radio signal that is playing that lousy Alannis Morisette “Uninvited” song!”
Quote Daily Bible Verse
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![Beautiful Cuz! =]](http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1282/857750572_ea99176088_t.jpg "Beautiful Cuz! =]")
