Frog Population

A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate.

A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium.

It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

Build a Road the Army Way

One of my first jobs as a new Army lieutenant in Vietnam was to build a road across a rice paddy. Progress was slow because the paddy devoured most of the dirt we laid down. My superior officer, a major, appeared one day, determined to speed things up.

His solution was to scrape the crust off the top of the paddy and with it, construct the road. He quelled my protestations with a stern, “Lieutenant, *I’m* in charge.”

He ordered a bulldozer into the paddy, but the massive monster sank in the muck. Undaunted, the major ordered another dozer to help the first one out. It, too, was soon stuck. After a long silence, the major got into his jeep. His departing words were, “Lieutenant, you’re in charge.”

True Courtroom Humor

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.

Four corporate presidents kidnapped by terrorists

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one American, were on their way to an international business conference when they were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

“You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,” screamed the terrorist leader, “and you’re going to be executed! Do you have any last requests?”

The Englishman spoke first.

“Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by singing “God Save The Queen” to all you men.”

“That can be arranged,” said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, “And I want to honor my country before I die by singing “The Marseilles” to your men.”

The Japanese said, “Before I die, I wish to honor my country by giving the lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management.”

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

“What is your last request?”

The American replied, “I want you to kill me right now so I don’t have to listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!”

Don’t Ignore the Kids

The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

“What took you so long, son?” he asked.

“The man waited on everybody in the store before me,” the boy replied. “But I got even.”

“How?”

“I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting,” the youngster explained happily. “It’s going to be fun at eight o’clock.”

New Mercedes

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”

“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”

“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

Make the Beds

When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

A young minister

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.

“But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.

“The nut has gone to heaven.”

Personal Secretary

A guy walked into his friend’s office. He found his friend sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

“Hey, what’s up with you?”, he asked.

“Oh, its my wife,” replied the man sadly. “She’s hired a new secretary for me.”

“Well, nothing wrong in that,” he said, “Is she blonde or brunette?”

“Neither. He’s bald.”

Expensive Operation

A woman was having a medical problem – her husband’s snoring. So she called the doctor one morning and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her “suffering.”

“Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras.”

“My goodness!” the woman exclaimed, “it sounds like leasing a new sports car!”

“Humm,” the doctor murmured, “too obvious, huh?”