There’s Always A Way Out

Natural Highs

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4.No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

15. The beach.

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS

24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

28. Playing with a new puppy.

29. Having someone play with your hair.

30. Sweet dreams.

31. Hot chocolate.

32. Road trips with friends.

33. Swinging on swings.

34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

35. Making chocolate chip cookies.

36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

37. Holding hands with someone you care about.

38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.

39. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much desired present from you.

40. Watching the sunrise.

41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

42. Knowing that somebody misses you.

43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

44. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Well, I never knew…

In the 1400’s a law   was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat  his wife with a   stick thicker than his thumb. Hence we have ‘therule of thumb’.

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled ‘Gentlemen Only…Ladies Forbidden’…and thus the word GOLF entered into the   English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury .

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair .

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history:
Spades – King David
Hearts – Charlemagne
Clubs – Alexander, the Great
Diamonds – Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one   front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter ‘A’?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn’t spoil?
A. Honey

In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase ‘goodnight, sleep tight.’

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ It’s where we get the phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.

And finally…

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!!

Bumper Stickers for Women

I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people

- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

- Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

- If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap, and easy!

- Don’t upset me. I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Little Johnny watched his mother put cold cream…

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother was putting cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing that cream on you face, mommy?” he asked.

“To stay pretty for daddy,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter mommy?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

The Old Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes,” says Sam, “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon, how far is that?”

Brendan Behan in a diabetic coma

This is a true story of the late Irish author Brendan Behan who one night collapsed in a diabetic coma in a Dublin street. It was at a time when he was at the height of his drunken notoriety and passers-by naturally thought he was dead drunk.

They took him to the nearby surgery of one of Dublin’s most fashionable and respected doctors. The doctor decided to take a cardiograph and, somewhat nervous of his patient, thought to humor him. He explained the workings of the cardiograph needle as it registered the faint heartbeats of the very sick and semiconscious Brendan.

“That needle there is writing down your pulses, Mr. Behan, and I suppose, in its own way, it is probably the most important thing you have ever written.”

To which Behan replied: “Aye, and it’s straight from me heart, too.”

Before You Meet With God

A man died and went to The Judgment. St. Peter met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, “Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you — we’ve looked at your life, and you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not at all sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“I’m impressed,” St. Peter responded, “When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago,” came the reply.

Apprehension

After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

“Oh, you’re welcome,” she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, …”And will your grandmother need a rental car?”

School Best Sellers

Walking To School The First Day Back – by Misty Bus

The Day The Car Pool Forgot Me – by I. Rhoda Bike

Can’t See The Chalkboard – by Sidney Backrow

Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School – by Major Crackupp

What I Dislike About Returning To School – by Mona Lott

Making It Through The First Week Of School – by Gladys Saturday

Is Life Over When Summer Ends? – by Midas Welbee

What I Love About Returning To School – by I.M. Kidding

Will Jimmy Finally Graduate? – by I. Betty Wont

What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School – by U. Will Gettitt